Me, Myself, and I

   
     As I have mentioned in my last post, I'm trying to change and I am, little by little. Of course I still disagree with growing up but I cannot do anything about it. I just don't want to grow up and forget about Allie. I'll be growing up, but Allie won't. I'll be making my own life, but Allie won't. Allie will just stay in the past. He'll continue being young and innocent while all of us will grow and become phonies. Of course I need to grow of but oh boy I don't want to. If Allie doesn't get to grow up then why should I?
    The ducks, what do they do during the winter? Do they come back all grown up? Is that what happens? Not just do humans grown but also animals. It's the cycle of life, but it's hard to understand that. What would life be if those who didn't want to grow up didn't? If I didn't grow up then I could stay with Allie, and he wouldn't feel lonely. If we all didn't grow up, then Allie wouldn't just remain in the past. He won't be forgotten. I'll try my best to not forget Allie, and I will live for Allie. I will grow up for Allie because that is probably something he would've liked. I don't want to forget him or else we would all continue our life without even considering Allie's thoughts. But growing up is part of life, and I hope, boy do I hope Allie understands.

The Nuns

    Why are nuns always so sweet and nice? Have they ever been bad? Do they say they love God but lie right in front of God's face? I remembered the nuns I met while I was out for breakfast that day and suddenly I came up with these questions. Unanswerable questions that nobody will answer for me.
     Those nuns were really intelligent. Well, one was an English teacher who certainly loved Romeo and Juliet. That was an interesting book but unlike many people, I did not find Romeo and Juliet's death the saddest. To me Mercutio's death was the saddest. Don't you hate it when something bad happens to somebody that didn't cause it. Back to the nuns, they depressed me. They were not sad, but the fact that they were poor was saddening. Their suitcases reflected the poverty they lived in. I had plenty of nice, pretty expensive suitcases and these women had really cheap ones. Once they left I was glad, but sad at the same time. I'm always glad and sad aren't I? Anyways, when they left I was glad because they didn't question my religion, if they did I don't know what I would've answered. I was also feeling sad because once again I was lonely, with nobody but myself. Of course Allie will always be here with me, but nobody is here physically with me.

Good Old Jane Gallagher

       Jane sure has gone through many things. But she's succeeded, something I'm still working on, or at least I think I'm working on. Jane Gallagher, one of my closest, or maybe even the closest friend. The only girl I think I was able to actually communicate with. I never called her even after wanting to call her many times. Was I afraid or did I just not feel like calling her? I confuse myself a lot.
   

   I know what Jane has been through. I've unfortunately experienced it as well. It's not a pretty thing. People who do that or even think of doing that should not be allowed to roam the streets. I think we got along quite well because we both went through some tough stuff. We were both there for each other, never letting each other down. I still remember the moment she held my hand. It's a memory that will last forever, it'll never go away. She is an amazing successful person that was able to leave her past in the past where it belonged. Of course it will never be forgotten but it can be pushed aside in order to live a regular, normal life. That is what Jane did. That is why I respect her.

My little Sister, Phoebe

     

Oh boy, where do I start? Good Old Phoebe, the most amazing girl in the world. If you meet her, you will instantly love her. She's the most interesting girl her age. Innocence must run through her veins because she is the sweetest thing ever! That innocent will wash away eventually. It took me a long time to process that but once I accept it completely I think life will be easier. Anyways, I remember her enthusiasm when she told me about her play. She was the main role yah know. Oh boy, her smile and happiness while telling me was extremely bright. Oh I'm telling you, if ya meet her, you'll love her. She's a pretty interesting kid. She hates her middle name and prefers to change, Kids these days can be strange. I keep forgetting that I'm no one to call kids strange since I was stranger. Time certainly does pass. The feelings come and go and I have changed maybe just a little, but I have changed. Phoebe is growing up. I couldn't and still can't stop her from growing. Nobody can. Everything takes its time and time can't stop nor slow down, or else what's the point of living. Life is something natural that cannot be controlled, and within this destiny.

Allie, My Bestfriend and Brother

           The baseball mitten, the only thing that Allie left me besides depression and a feeling of need towards remaining innocent. On this glove of his, was his own poetry. This glove that gives me strength and weakens me at the same time. It brings back Allie in a way but depresses me at the same time. It makes me feel lonely but complete at the same time, if that even makes any sense. He brings me joy, and brings me depression. I really think he wants me to be happy, boy do I. But he makes it pretty difficult to be happy when he didn't deserve to die. He didn't deserve to suffer like he did. Oh boy, I really think I should've died, not him.
           Why must things like this happen? Why must the best people in life go? Why must they make the people around them depressed? I guess everything happens for a reason. But why Allie. The best kid I have ever met. The smartest, brightest, happiest boy. That's why his poetry makes me depressed. Because he would've had a bright future, but it ended right when he was going to start it. His glove means a lot more than depression though.
 Its as if Allie was right next to me, keeping me company through the tough parts of life.